


You Can't Save Yourself (Or Save Your Soul)

by brokencasbutt67



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Human Beelzebub (Good Omens), Human Gabriel (Good Omens), Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26569726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokencasbutt67/pseuds/brokencasbutt67
Summary: Guess who wants to fuckin die.no, but fr please don't read this if you're in a sensitive mindset (like I am) because it'll hurttitle from A Grave Mistake by INK
Relationships: Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	You Can't Save Yourself (Or Save Your Soul)

Beelzebub has never truly felt confident in themself. Throughout the ages, they’ve seen countless thousands of humans, all of whom have shunned them in one way or another. Being the Duke of Hell was never as great as some people would like to think.

It doesn’t help that their appearance makes them appear to be a weak human. They can’t count the times that they’ve been attacked when they’ve been out and about. That’s one of the only consistencies with the humans, or some of them anyway. 

They’re predatory. 

It doesn’t matter if they’re in London or Las Vegas, some people are more than willing to attack them. Now that Armageddon has passed, it’s so much worse for Beelzebub, who no longer has their abilities. Beelzebub doesn’t like to think of the attacks that happened. When Gabriel and themself became official in their relationship, those attacks were reduced because they were no longer out at all hours alone. 

The trauma never fades though.

They’re essentially human now, though their life is to be dragged out and they’ll live forever. 

They made themself a home just outside of London,  _ alone of course. Well, they have Gabriel.  _

They hate being human. There’s no nice way to put it. There hasn’t been a time when they’ve wanted to end their life as much as they do right now. 

They can’t just end it though. If they did that, they’d only be forced to live through humanity again. It’s a sick, twisted cycle that’s eternal. Of course, there is Gabriel. He’d be heartbroken if he knew how Beelzebub is hurting.  _ But he’s not here right now.  _

_ It would be so easy for them to end their life. No one would notice.  _

_ Gabriel would notice. Gabriel would hurt. _

Whenever Beelzebub gets into this mindset, they struggle to get out of it. It’s like a black hole. It swallows them, they’re fighting to get out of it. 

They’ve tried therapy, but there’s only so much that they can say before they begin going into far too much detail about their long life and taking the risk of exposing their former position as Duke of Hell. 

So they don’t have therapy anymore. 

They’re stuck in a never ending cycle. They’ve tried everything to get through the darkest of nights, and nothing has proven useful so far. 

They turn to their blade, as they have so frequently done. Of course, there are so many alternatives that they could do, but they’re unable to find them at times like these. So they don’t bother to search for them. 

Their hand shakes as the knife drags over their pale skin. Red welts appear, blood bubbles up and drips over. Beelzebub always loses focus at times like this, more and more cuts appear until their skin is littered with them. It’s rare for it to get  _ this  _ bad. Usually, they just have the one here and there that can be passed off as something  _ normal.  _ These can’t be excused though, nothing could explain the hundreds of wounds on their thigh. 

They hear the familiar hum of Gabriel’s car pulling up outside. It prompts them to get up and move. They pull one of Gabriel’s sweatshirts over their torso, and some thick sweatpants over their legs, covering their arms and legs from the world. They walk downstairs, their eyes falling onto Gabriel. He’s tired, shrugging his jacket and tie off after a long day of work. The smile on Gabriel’s face when he sees Beelzebub sends a spark through Beelzebub’s chest. For the briefest of moments, they feel happy. 

Gabriel pulls Beelzebub into his arms, hugging them tightly. Neither of them speaks for a while, though there’s nothing that needs to be said. Beelzebub is scared to speak anyway. They fear that they’ll break into sobs if they open their mouth, so they don’t bother to speak. Instead, they pull Gabriel closer and relish under his grip.  _ He’ll leave. He’ll see your legs and he’ll leave.  _ Beelzebub shakes away the thoughts in their head, as best possible, bringing their focus back to Gabriel. He’s warm and solid as he hugs them. 

“We should take a bath tonight” Gabriel murmurs, dragging Beelzebub through to the living room. They curl together on the sofa, almost spooning. Beelzebub’s eyes widen when they realise what Gabriel is suggesting. 

_ Being naked together _ . 

It’s not uncommon for them to bathe, or shower, together. It rarely happens after Beelzebub has done what they’ve done today though. Usually, they manage to squirm out of it with some excuse. 

Gabriel knows of Beelzebub’s body issues, so they could use that as an excuse. But they don’t want to. They want to go and lay in the tub with Gabriel, to talk about anything and everything until long after the sun has set and the water is cold. 

Beelzebub shakes the thoughts away, bringing their attention back to Gabriel. He’s watching them intently, as though he’s trying to gauge their thoughts. 

“Sorry, I’m ah…” They trail off, and Gabriel understands almost immediately. He nods, pressing his lips against their forehead. 

“That’s fine. Is there anything I can do to help?” Gabriel asks. He squeezes Beelzebub in his arms, shifting to lay back on the sofa until they’re laid on his chest. They don’t say anything, resting their head on his chest. Beneath their ear, Beelzebub can hear Gabriel’s heart beating, and for now, that’s calming them. 

“I think I’m just going to go back to bed” Beelzebub murmurs. 

“It’s been a  _ bad  _ day, I just want to sleep” They add. Gabriel frowns but kisses their forehead all the same. 

“I love you” He murmurs, stroking his fingers up their back. They force a smile, kissing his cheek before standing up. They make their way upstairs after a moment, climbing into the bed without bothering to undress. They curl up at Gabriel’s side of the bed, surrounding themself with his scent. It calms the hurt for a while, though it’ll only ever be  _ for a while.  _

Sleep doesn’t find them. They manage to get comfortable, only for nightmares to appear. If they shift the wrong way, their arms and legs ache from the soreness. There’s no winning.

Gabriel wanders into the bedroom sometime later in the night. Beelzebub heard him moving around and making food an hour or so ago. Gabriel has likely come to bed now. 

Beelzebub watches as he tugs his shirt off, tossing it aside. His trousers follow next, Beelzebub can’t take their eyes off of the broad muscle of Gabriel’s back. When Gabriel turns to climb into the bed, a small falls onto his face as he sees Beelzebub. He lays down, watching as Beelzebub curls close to him. 

“What’s going on?” Gabriel asks, stroking his fingers down their spine again. 

“Nothing” Beelzebub mumbles though it’s clear that it’s not just  _ nothing.  _

Gabriel doesn’t say anything, though he does hug Beelzebub tighter than he normally would. 

“You know you can talk to me, right? I’m always here” Gabriel murmurs. Beelzebub nods, pressing their lips against his neck. Gabriel smiles slightly, kissing the top of their head. 

A while passes, the pair just cherishing each other’s company. 

“Are you not warm?” Gabriel asks, noting the thick sweatpants and hoodie that Beelzebub is wearing. They shake their head, too quickly for Gabriel’s comfort. He doesn’t say anything though. Beelzebub curls up closer. 

They don’t want to mention it now. They don’t want to risk everything with Gabriel, especially while it’s still so  _ new.  _

Sleep doesn’t find either of them through the night. 

They have some idle pillow talk to fill the silence, but they spend most of the night just holding each other. Beelzebub is more than happy with that. If Gabriel does find out and leave, they at least have the memory to fill the rest of time.

Before long, the sun is rising and Gabriel is climbing out of the bed, preparing to go out for another day at work. He’s pulling a shirt on when he looks to Beelzebub. They’re in the bed, a hurt on their face that’s rarely seen. 

“Bee, are you sure you’re okay?” He asks, sitting on the edge of the bed. He puts the shirt aside, watching as Beelzebub shakes their head. Gabriel pulls them into a tight hug, feeling their body shake with sobs. Gabriel strokes his hands down their back, letting them work through what they need to. 

Gabriel shifts until he’s laid back in the bed, pulling the duvet over himself and Beelzebub again. He presses his lips against the top of their head. 

Eventually, their tears and sobs subside. They look up at Gabriel, their blue eyes are filled with a hurt confusion. 

“Y-you have work” They stutter. Their voice is shaky, quiet and almost timid. 

“Not today I don’t. I want to be here with you while you’re feeling how you do. In a moment, I’ll send a message to say I’m sick, and then we’re going to curl up in this bed and maybe we’ll sleep, maybe we won’t. Who knows” Gabriel shrugs his response. He sees a hint of a small on Beelzebub’s face, and for now, that’s enough. 

Gabriel picks his phone from the nightstand. He sends a quick message to his boss before tossing his phone aside.  _ What’s one day's wage for a being that has no need for money?  _

Beelzebub wraps Gabriel around them, holding him tightly. Gabriel is more than willing to comply, wrapping himself even tighter around Beelzebub. 

“What’s going on, Bee?” He murmurs, stroking his hand down their side. He feels Beelzebub tense slightly when his hand reaches their thigh. They say nothing though. 

“Bee?” Gabriel prompts. They shake their head, tears freely streaming down their cheeks again. Gabriel frowns and turns them to face him. Their eyes avoid his, they know what Gabriel wants to ask. 

After a few tense moments, Beelzebub tugs the sweatshirt off and the sweatpants follow. They avoid Gabriel’s purple eyes. 

After a few moments of silence, they look up to him. Gabriel’s eyes are filled with hurt as he looks up, trying to swallow a sob. There are a few tears staining his cheeks already, he’s torn between looking at Beelzebub’s wounds, or looking at their face. Instead, he pulls them into a tight hug, using it to hide the fact that he’s crying. 

“Bee” Gabriel whispers, his voice is shaky and hoarse. He rubs at his eyes as he leans back slightly. Beelzebub reaches up to take one of Gabriel’s hands in their own. Gabriel tries to blink away some tears, looking down to Beelzebub. 

“I’m sorry” they murmur. Gabriel shakes his head, pulling them close again. 

“Don’t you  _ ever  _ apologise. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice it sooner. I should’ve seen that you were...” Gabriel responds, his voice quakes as more tears stream from his cheeks. Beelzebub strokes their fingers through Gabriel’s hair, hoping that it calms him like he does to them. 

“Bee… please” Gabriel swallows, as he shifts until his eyes meet Beelzebub’s. 

“Please talk to me, if it ever gets that bad. I’m always here” Gabriel promises. Beelzebub nods shakily. Gabriel reaches up to brush away some stray tears from their cheek, they didn’t even know that they’d escaped. Beelzebub leans into Gabriel’s touch slightly. Gabriel gives a small smile. 

“I love you” He murmurs. Beelzebub leans up and kisses him gently. 

“I love you too” They respond. 

A while passes with the pair curled around each other. The overwhelming emotions have passed, though both are still hurting. They’re no longer crying though. 

“Can we take a bath together?” Beelzebub asks, their voice is timid. They sound almost scared. 

“Of course” Gabriel is quick to respond. Beelzebub smiles, hugging Gabriel loosely. He smiles in response, stroking his fingers down their back. 

Beelzebub watches as Gabriel climbs out of the bed, walking through to the bathroom. He returns a moment later, sitting on the edge of the bed. Beelzebub curls up at his side, relaxing under the feeling of Gabriel’s hand stroking over their cheek. 

“I love you” Gabriel murmurs, brushing his thumb over their cheek, and then down to their lips. Beelzebub lifts Gabriel’s hand and kisses the palm. 

“I love you too Gabe, so much,” They say. After a moment, they sit up and rest their head on Gabriel’s shoulder. He looks down at the cuts and the wounds on their thigh. Beelzebub sees Gabriel getting lost in his thoughts. They reach up and take Gabriel’s hand, squeezing it tight in their own hand. 

After a few minutes, the pair make their way into the bathroom. Gabriel climbs into the tub first, helping Beelzebub in before they curl together in the tub. Gabriel strokes his fingers down their back, tracing their spine as the minutes tick by into hours. 

“How long…?” Gabriel asks. He doesn’t really want to know, but he knows that if he doesn’t ask it, he’ll be going through hell later on, trying to find all of the missed signs through the past few years of their relationship. 

“Too long” Beelzebub murmurs. They stroke their fingers over Gabriel’s chest. 

“But… I’m still here and you know about it now. I won’t just... stop overnight, you know that much. But it helps to know that you’re here” They say. Gabriel nods. 

“Of course. I would be a fool to think that I could stop it with my mere presence” He muses. Beelzebub chuckles slightly. 

“You will tell me, though, if you’re struggling?” Gabriel says, it’s a question though he’s not entirely sure if it sounds like one. Beelzebub nods. 

“I’ll try” They murmur. Gabriel smiles slightly, squeezing them in his arms. 

“Do you want to talk about… why…?” Gabriel trails off, he doesn’t know how to word it. Words have always failed Gabriel, in any language. He can remember way back when it was only Adam and Eve, he struggled with words back then. 

Gabriel does often think about the strange pair, though he never thinks about them for too long. Before Gabriel can get lost in his thoughts, he brings his attention back to Beelzebub.

“I don’t know” Beelzebub admits. 

“Everything was too much, not enough and I just… I don’t know” They admit. They look down to Gabriel’s chest. It’s warm. Gabriel’s always warm, he’s like a human furnace. Hell was warm, but it wasn’t warm like Gabriel. Gabriel’s warmth feels like home to Beelzebub. 

Gabriel’s hands don’t stop stroking over Beelzebub’s back, though they do dip down to their thighs, before back up over their shoulder blades. 

“The trauma of… everything” Beelzebub starts. Gabriel watches them intently, letting them work through what they need to. 

“Being attacked, falling, everything that I saw in Hell… It all builds up, and it was too much” Beelzebub admits. 

“I know I shouldn’t have tried to cope with it all on my own, but I just…” they have a shaky sigh. Gabriel’s hands stroke through their slightly damp hair. 

“I tried seeing a human therapist, but they wouldn’t understand it. How could anyone understand the true trauma of being in Hell” They whisper. Their voice is shaky, Gabriel can feel a dampness on his chest that isn’t caused by being in the tub. 

“Bee” He whispers, holding them tightly. Beelzebub lets out a shaky whimper as more tears stream down their cheeks. Gabriel strokes his fingers over their back as soft cries fill the bathroom. A few stray tears leak from Gabriel’s eyes too, though he manages to hide his own. 

“I’m sorry…” Beelzebub murmurs. Gabriel frowns, tilting their head back. 

“Please don’t apologise, Bee, please” Gabriel begs. He strokes his thumb over their cheek, over their lips and then back up to the trail of tears. He brushes them away, taking a deep breath. He leans down and kisses them gently. 

“You have no reason to apologise, my love,” Gabriel says. He doesn’t break eye contact with Beelzebub. They shift slightly as a few more tears fall from their cheeks. Gabriel reaches up and brushes them away, watching as Beelzebub kisses the palm of his hand again. Gabriel brushes his thumb over their cheek. He looks away for the briefest of moments. 

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to as- actually, nevermind, it’s not the right time” Gabriel cuts himself off, shaking away the thoughts. He’s wanted to propose to Beelzebub for a long time, but he’s never found the right time. Now especially isn’t a good time. 

“Go on” Beelzebub prompts Gabriel to continue, and he looks between them and the wall for a few moments. 

“I’ve wanted to ask you to marry me, for a long time. I’ve never found an appropriate time to, in honesty. I don’t even think now is the most appropriate of times” Gabriel admits. 

“I don’t want you to feel forced into saying yes” He adds. Beelzebub leans up to kiss Gabriel. 

“In time, I’ll say yes. As you say, now isn’t exactly the right time” They answer. It raises more questions for Gabriel, though for now, he’s more focussed on his lover. He pulls them down into a kiss, resting his hands on their waist. 

“I love you” Gabriel whispers. Beelzebub smiles, curling up closer to Gabriel. Their head rests over his heart, the beat is soothing them. Gabriel strokes his fingers over their back for a while, lulling them to sleep. 

Gabriel watches as Beelzebub slowly falls asleep in his arms. He presses his lips against the top of their head, more than willing to fall asleep here with them. 

Sure, the water will get cold, and there’s things that they  _ should  _ do. That doesn’t mean that they will though. Instead, Gabriel settles and tries to get a few minutes of sleep for himself. Tomorrow can wait. 

For now, all Gabriel cares about is his lover. Beelzebub is hurting, Gabriel is too focussed on that to care about anything else. The world could burn and Gabriel wouldn’t care.


End file.
